So on Thursday you would have turned 60. I know we would have had one hell of a party to celebrate and I would have been right by your side. Sadly it wasn’t to be but as it’s a special birthday I thought I’d write you a letter that I hope wherever you are you can read.
I spent my early years thinking ‘why me?’ ‘Poor me’ ‘it’s so unfair’, and to a certain extent I still feel those things from time to time. When I got my exam results, passed my driving test, graduated uni and introduced James to everyone I desperately wished you could have been there to experience it. Every occasion as lovely and happy as it was always had a sadness lingering for me.
As I get older I actually dread the moments in my life that I know will be the next significant milestones as it will be just as hard to not have you at those! My wedding day, the birth of my children, the list could go on.
I think the hardest thing for me has and always be that I never met you…properly. We’ve never had a conversation so I don’t know what you sounded like. I don’t have a memory of your laugh or you calling my name because I don’t remember hearing it. I don’t have memories that are special between me and you because we didn’t have the gift of time to make any that both of us could treasure.
What I do have is a huge amount of memories that your friends and our family have shared with me and I wish that when I hear them even now that I could do so without shedding a tear but I’m yet to master that. What they all tell me is how much I remind them of you, how much I look like you and how well we would have got on and as much as I love that I also hate it. How bloody unfair that I don’t get to learn that and experience it myself.
I guess this all sounds like another ‘poor me’ moment but don’t think I’m not aware of how unbelievably lucky I am to have the incredible family and friends that I have had and do have in my life because I really am blessed in that department.
I guess this is my time to say or write how incredibly sad I am that I haven’t had the chance to know and make my own memories with you dad and how I wish with all my heart that I make you proud every day.
I love and miss you and you will forever be a part of my journey.
Thank you for the long legs, sense of humour…and the double chin. I owe you a lot and I miss you more than you’ll ever know.
Happy Birthday from your Anwril xxx